necessary_child | (no subject)

It doesn’t take Sam very long at all, when he crashes through the door from Milliways into his flat, to realise just how spectacularly he’s fucked up. What had happened before was nothing at all compared to it.

It takes maybe five minutes to realise that he urgently needs to apologise. Repeatedly, and in detail.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck,” he mutters desperately, dropping his book carelessly to the ground and groping in the darkness for the door, which opens…

On his cupboard.

“FUCK.”

Forcing himself to concentrate, to focus on the bar. Clearing his mind as though about to scry, focusing with all his might on Milliways, and Guppy. And opening the door…

On his cupboard.

Sam, you stupid, stupid bastard…

Hands, curled tight in fury and self-hate until the nails bite through the skin, slam into the wall.

Again. Come on Sam, it’s easy, just open your mind and open the door.

Again.

It’s not until five in the morning, as Guppy eventually dozes off in his room at Milliways, that Sam gives up. He slumps against the doorpost (the door that won’t open), head in his arms, exhausted but unable to stop his brain from whirring over.

(Not gonna leave you. Promise.)

(You were always going to leave me.)

(Sam… don’t leave me.)

The devil doesn’t cry. Lucifer doesn’t cry. Princes of Heaven don’t cry.

Sam Linnfer, on the other hand, swipes at his eyes with hands that bleed in a dozen places where they’ve slammed the wall a dozen times in wild frustration, feels salty tears sting his wounds-- and doesn’t feel anything at all for a long time.

He’s not sure how long it is until he moves, but his preternaturally sensitive eyes can see dawn stretching tentative lukewarm fingers under the curtains into his flat as he pushes himself back into a standing position, head hot and thumping claustrophobically.

His deaf, half-blind landlady will find a scribbled, crumpled note in three hours or so, when she creaks up the stairs for the month’s rent.

She won’t find Sam. Nobody will.

(Sam… don’t leave me.)

He’s gone to find a door.